UBC (Ultimate Baby Championship) 100

Ladies and Gentlemen - tonight we have a great card for you all in the...uh... living room. The Island of Isla, the explosive pooper, miss Bop Bop herself takes on 3 adversaries in Gut Wrenching action. Watch on and be amazed at the skill, ferocity, and pure wrestling talent exhibited by this 2 foot terror!

Battle 1: Isla vs. Beru

The round started off with a surprise side roll by Beru, attempting to use Isla's lack of stability against her. This proved to be a mistake, however, as Isla quickly reversed the sloppy judo move and executed a perfect haunch-grab/tail twister. After this, the pin was just a few taps away. Isla won this match handily by means of submission in the first round.





Battle 2: Isla vs. Sophie

This looked to be a much more even match, as Sophie makes up for her lack of bipedalism with an intensity only found in Jack Russel-Pit Bull mixes. Even so, Isla was too quick at the start, and attempted a rear baby mount to begin the round.






Sophie then retaliated by spinning on the unwitting baby and nearly landing the dreaded "kiss of death" on her nose.



Isla quickly put an end to this threat with the collar-lock, a move she learned from her recent travels to a shaolin temple in Hunan, where she spent many hours training under a monk with no toes and a penchant for rootbeer swilling and buffoonery. But I digress... she quickly remembered her lessons - "brush the forehead of the beast with your palm, as the lotus brushes the morning air,"

"then crush the windpipe as the boa constrictor crushes rootbeer cans!" The old master's words rang in her head as she performed this next move. The fight went to a controversial decision in which the panel of judges (which consisted of a stuffed lamb and two pillows) declared Isla the winner by a score of 10 to 8. Many of the spectators involved, including Charlie, the other dog, believed that the match was won at this point, however - due to the utter defeat showing in Sophie's eyes.

Battle 3: Isla vs. Daddy

This match was a travesty, and a disgrace to the UBC organization as a whole. Somehow Isla convinced Sophie to tag team against the favored combatant in the first round and this match was over before it even started - with Isla pinning Daddy, then adding insult to injury by laughing at him as he writhed in agony...or just kind of giggled. Results: Isla 3, Everybody else 0.

Things that Suck, Part 1.

Number one thing that sucks right now: Dogs that enjoy disemboweling stuffed animals on a daily basis - this one was taken from the toy box, after the lid was jimmied off by a small black chihuahua mix.





Number 2 thing that sucks: Not cutting Isla's fingernails, and having her grab my face, taking a piece of my nose with her.

Baby Crack

These are the things I have found to be irresistible to my baby, creating high pitched squealing, intense crying and whining when removed, and general symptoms exhibited by most crack fiends:

1) Puppies and Kitties

2) Target brand fruit snacks - holy shit, when these are busted out I'm like the king of the babies.

3) Jamba Juice - I have seen half of a small banana berry jamba juice last a good hour and a half.

4) This one disgusting doll at goodwill that has straggly, thinning blond hair, is naked on rollerblades, is made of hard plastic, about her size, and is supposed to be electronic, but all the wires have been pulled out and are hanging from a hole in her left leg. WTF?


5) Blueberries. Once she had purple poop for three days.

Lake Merrit

Isla went with me to the lake today to feed the "ducks." The ducks are in quotation marks not because somebody screamed "ducks" at me in a high falsetto - although that would be cool - but because there were no ducks present at this junction. That's not to say that there were no birds - Oh, there were birds. Upon walking toward the play structure, one notices that the normally springy grass underfoot has a slightly crunchy texture at this time of year, that is one would notice this if one could see the grass under all the freaking geese. There were at least forty-five thousand Candadian Geese at the lake this fine afternoon - and Isla went bonkers - screaming Bop Bop! at every single one of them. At first I was hesitant to let her down from my protective grasp, but curiosity got the best of me (plus she was squirming in my arms and now scream-crying "bop bop, bop bop!" between gasps) so down she went. At first she simply hid behind my leg while the geese, by now old hands at getting food from toddlers and their fathers, yet cautious that we might be carpetbaggers all the same, gathered around us from all sides. It was eerie - I imagined I was in Jurassic Park, and they were velociraptors as they circled us. Then they got bored and resumed doing whatever it is that geese do in the grass. This was Isla's cue to chase. She went after the one that was closest to triple her size and yelled at it - like most things that get yelled at - the goose left in a huff and a ruffling of feathers. One of said feathers was dislodged as it huffed and ruffled, and Isla pointed at it with wonder, then grasped it in her hand, holding it aloft as if it were the holy grail. She proceeded to spend the next 25 minutes chasing that same goose with the feather held out, with every intention of giving it back to the poor beast. This is why I know she's going to be the president of the world. That is so awesome.

I'll leave you with this one last anecdote about geese. They have teeth ON THEIR TONGUES! find this out like I did by trying to feed one Pepperidge Farm Goldfish by hand and having it hiss at you in frustration because you fed its kinfolk rather tham him - and you'll poop bricks too. I promise.

Fourth of July Weekend Highlight Reel

I'm exhausted - Hawaii merged into the weekend of the fourth so fast I'm still confused about where I am right now.

Highlights

1) Meeting my brother Phil and his family for the first time and instantly connecting on all kinds of levels. Seeing the Del Nagro clan come together for real for the first time in a while.

2) Isla getting 4 days of pool time to play and play and play and...

3) Watching babies dance to Michael Jackson at the family "after party"

4) Bullshitting with cousin Jessica - dude, Lucas isn't a chambermaid - chill out.

5) Feeling like a real parent, with all the kids at the house playing together.

6) Citrus ribs & pomegranate BBQ chicken

7) Getting to finish a Ruben's Burrito from Summer, who could sense my angst at not getting one this trip.

8) Fire dancing by Elizabeth and Tawny ( i feel like i spelled that wrong)

9) Finding out my sister Elizabeth is engaged to somebody I actually don't want to decapitate with a rusty spoon.

10) Talking cameras with my father in law and picking up a few tips

11) Borrowing two fishing poles to do some serious damage with this summer on the Berkeley Pier - I'm talking at least 24 beers and maybe a dogfish.

12) going stupid with Claire like we were 13 and 8