I went to my school's talent show this evening - it was a solid affair. Highlights of the production included a William Hung-esque accappella rendition of a current R&B hit by possibly the cutest 7th grade kid I've ever seen, a brilliant solo acoustic uke song by our big Tongan teddy bear, clowns, original hip hop, and tons of ukeleles. It was a fun night.
The whole time I watched I was taken back to the talent shows of yore.
Back when I was still a spring chicken, in the year 1986, I performed in my first ever talent show. I thought it would be a a really good idea to go on stage with my recorder and play the melody to the Beastie Boy's song "Girls"<------- click to listen. I had just spent my hard earned cash on both the Cassette tape version of Licensed to Ill and a stupid recorder, so it seemed perfectly rational. Now imagine that xylophone sound played over and over and over and over by a 9 year old playing one of these:
I even had a backup dancer at the time. Her name was Tanisha Washington, and I was scared of her, so I let her do the cabbage patch behind me while I played. Actually, as I write this it sounds way more awesome that it really was.
Fast forward half a year to the next talent show at Seward Elementary School in Seattle. I performed in the choir for this one: Woo Hoo! (I'm the 4th from the left in the top row). Tanisha is the leftmost dancer, with the bolo tie. Bolo tie, Tanisha? Really? The song we did was "Candy" by Cameo. I seriously doubt the Choir teacher knew that the song was about cocaine. That tall white kid next to me did though. We won the crap out of this talent show, but I don't really count it, because I was part of a larger group. Plus, Tanisha had a bolo tie on. A BOLO TIE.
My crowning achievement came in 1989, in 6th grade. I decided to go all out and lipsynch that new new - Biz Markie's "Just a Friend."
I had the kangol, the chain, the tracksuit, I was ready to go. This time, my friend Wiley (I think, he's the guy that always got me in trouble, so I assume it was him this time too), convinced me to steal one of my mom's bras from her drawer and carry it in my shirt until the line "9/10 pants and a very big bra." Then, I was supposed to bust it out and swing it around my head triumphantly. Unfortunately (or very fortunately, depending on how you look at it), TANISHA FREAKING WASHINGTON found out about the situation and told our teacher about it. I got a serious talking to about the use of swinging bras to degrade women, and promised to omit the line completely. However, when you omit it when you're lip synching, it's not like the music stops, so I got in trouble anyway. For the word bra. That I didn't lip synch. Oh well, at least my outfit was fresh.
To this day, every talent show I attend, I still hear "oh baby you....." in my head.
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