Year of writing 145. Week 2.

5/25/12


Another week down in the new adventure that is my life as a stay at home dad.  Here are my weekly learnings and mislearnings as well.

1: books, books,and more books. I am raising my kids to be such hard core readers that they walk down the street reading a young adult fantasy novel that they just can't put down and forget to look where they're going, so they smash into a telephone pole right when the person they like happens to be riding their bike down the street. Oh wait, that was me. Still, my heart leaps every time I catch Isla reading Edward Gorey books to herself, and every time I catch Miles drooling all over some typeface.

2: I need one of those surrogate mom puppets that I saw once on a special about California Condor chicks.  Only, it can't look like this ------->

It would have to resemble a human woman, somewhat similar in stature to my wife.  Then I figure I could spray it with her pheromones (those are easy to get, right?), and sit it next to Miles.  That way I might just be able to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with both hands or maybe even urinate by myself without having my son announce loudly and publicly that he's been abandoned forever and all times, and call an Amber alert on himself until I pick him up approximately twenty seven seconds later. 



3:  Whatever is happening in the artistic realm developmentally for Isla right now is freakin' awesome.  She has moved into these surreal faces, incorporating zombies and vampires as well as flower petals and tiaras to capture the mood someone is in.  Anytime someone visits now, she runs up to them and asks them what color their eyes are, what mood they're in, and how to spell their name.  A fabulous surrealist portrait awaits them as they depart.  I still haven't figured out a good way to store markers and crayons though.  Currently they are residing in an old cat food box.  Don't ask why. 

4.  Keeping in the vein of things I haven't figured out yet - eating for me has now reverted to my college days at best, when we happen to pass a place that sells one slice of pizza or a hot dog or something, and the ridiculous remains of whatever my kids had for lunch at worst.  I think this week my lunch looked like
                      Monday - half a pb&j and some chewed banana,
                      Tuesday - the tops from some strawberries and the last of Isla's smoothie,
                      Wednesday - half a pretzel from the zoo and a hot dog.
                      Thursday - baby yogurt and some soggy saltines.
                       Friday - cold Finneas and Ferb macaroni and cheese.
I don't know if it's that I can't get it together to make myself something, or that I have started to really enjoy the dregs of my children's plates.  Whatever is happening, it's not healthy.

5.  DO NOT HERMIT YOURSELF, ever.  No matter how hard you may think it will be to pack a bunch of crap, get out of the house with the two kids semi-intact, and plan the trip to wherever it is that isn't your home - it is infinitely better to be somewhere else.  Children that have been stuck at home all day with a tired, cranky daddy turn into Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal: 


6.  This is the best way I have found to deal with a kid that is being outrageous - be firm, be consistent, and as soon as you get a chance, confuse the crap out of them by saying something ridiculous like "Hey Isla, have you ever tried to catch a daddy long legs and dress him up like Harry Potter and make him act out scenes from the movie for you?"

7.  All kids love Michael Jackson's music.  It doesn't matter if they are 4 months old or not, put on MJ and watch the magic happen.  That being said - Isla's favorite song right now is the "Shankill Butchers" by the Decemberists.  Look up the lyrics to that, and you'll see why she is how she is.